An open letter to my stepson, Malik on his 10th birthday

I often wonder and compare the lives that your father and I lead before we met. Wondering what he was doing when I was teaching in Canada, going to school, etc. We’ve made some funny connections such as when he was applying to Columbia International College and George Brown College…could our paths crossed earlier? Sometimes I yearn for that possibility of being with your father for more years; but then, you my dear, could never have been born.

Going back in history, it’s almost impossible to pinpoint any specific date and compare. But there was one day that I remember of which you, your father and I have in common, yet it would be years until we met.

August 9^th, 2009. This was of no extraordinary date to me before meeting you. But I can remember what I was doing based on the events around me. I was recently married, enjoyed a big celebration of our new marriage just the day before, and on this very day, I was celebrating a baby shower. My mind and dreams were full of thoughts of when I too, would become a mother.

I look back on this picture with mixed feelings; it’s actually a decent one of me at the shower, but I cringe knowing the heartache that lay ahead of my former self in the path that was set out for me to become your mom. My daily activities already included fake smiles, charting my ovulation and all of the other fun stuff when trying to conceive.  I would do it all again, habibi. On that very same day this picture was taken, in the midst of a very hot Middle Eastern summer in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, you were born. 

 You crash landed into my life, and my attachment did not happen immediately. I never thought I would enter into another serious relationship, much less with someone who already had a child from a previous marriage. God had other plans. We had to work on it, you and I. We will continue to have to work on it. But that’s the beauty of life and of family. Every relationship on this Earth can get messy, and I am lucky to go through the mess with you. You are a sweet and kind child who looked upon me with open arms as soon as we met. You came with no judgment or preconceived notions. Every hug brought laughter and tears and were of pure love and emotion that happened in the moment. While I guided you in English, stubborn manners and routine, I learned from you a new outlook on life. An outlook that can only be brought about from the wisdom of a child.

The years in Abu Dhabi all together were not easy. We were in a cramped apartment, each of us looking for our own space. But the year without you has been very difficult on both sides of the ocean. Often, you tell your father that you want to go back to the way things were. We didn’t have much of a home, but knowing you want to go back, reminds me that what we did have was love.  I am proud to say that when you come into the country, you will have a home, and a mom again. Our family is about to be reunited, and that’s a beautiful thing to celebrate on this August 9^th. Happy 10^th birthday yebni.

Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

When you’re waiting for something, the “not knowing” is by far the hardest part. There truly is fear of the unknown, especially when it comes to time. Life as we know it is too short as it is, and taking time away from enjoying it with the ones we love can be pure torture.

I am sure that things will be back to normal soon, but I thought I would write now, to help ensure that the frustration comes through. Writing when everything is OK doesn’t do a time of frustration any justice.

As you might be aware, Mohamed and I are separated, but not by choice. Not by choice at all. In fact, as I type these words and focus on my breathing, I notice that it still hurts to breathe without him beside me. Never in a million years did I think I would put those words together about anyone. But since I met him last year, my life has turned upside down, and only when beside him does this world have colour and tastes.

We planned as best as we could. We thought we thought of every possibility, and yet we got caught up in a political trap of red tape.

To be able to live in the UAE, you must have a residence visa, permitting you to work and live here. Most people like myself find a job here while still residing in your home country, and once your visa is ready and processed by immigration, your visa and plane ticket are sent to you by email, and you’re on your way. If your spouse or children are not working, you can sponsor them on your visa and they may live with you so long as your salary is high enough to support a family. Makes sense, right? With me so far? Good.

When we met, Mohamed and I worked at different companies and we were each on our own visas. The only difference was that mine was with a government job in Abu Dhabi, and his was with a private company in Dubai (even though he managed a branch here in Abu Dhabi, the company was based in Dubai). When his son Malik came, he was able to sponsor him. We were told I would have some difficulty if I were going to sponsor him as he was not my biological child.

Here’s where it starts to get tricky. At the beginning of the year, Mohamed wanted to change companies. We thought it was ridiculous that his company wanted to reduce his salary by a large percentage. They gave him a choice to take the reduction or resign. To us, it wasn’t much of a choice. He’s a highly qualified business professional with great experience. He had met with other companies before the salary reduction talk so we figured he wouldn’t have an issue finding another position. Within 2 months, Mohamed was employed with a similar position, under the promise that after 3 months of probation, he was going to hold a branch manager position (similar to his first company). To protect the sponsorship of Malik’s visa, we paid a sum to Dubai immigration to freeze the status of his visa. This was done to make sure that we could re-enroll him in school for the following year as we knew registration was soon opening in the spring (schools need proof of a valid visa/emirates ID).

Mohamed had a bad feeling within the first few weeks of the new company. They were not ‘off the ground’ yet. The 3 months of probation were going to end at the end of May, and did not go without frustration for Mohamed. The new company was of course supposed to issue a new residence visa for Mohamed, but it was never done. I think the final straw came in the middle of May when Mohamed received an email of criticism from a co-worker. Not only did we find the e-mail rude, it was signed with a pre-programmed signature saying they were holding the position of the manager (the position that Mohamed was promised at the beginning of employment). Mohamed notified them that his contract would finish at the end of probation.

Mohamed had planned to use the month of June and the beginning of July to job hunt before we were leaving for Canada on July 13^th. As Malik’s visa was remaining frozen, he could not travel with us. Mohamed and I also planned a long road trip to the east coast, and we weren’t too sure how Malik would cope with such a trip, or of course the long plane ride to Toronto. For the care of Malik, we were lucky that Mohamed’s brother agreed to travel from Egypt to the UAE to care for Malik for a few weeks. Mohamed would come back from Canada at the end of July and I planned to stay until later in August.

As Mohamed was not working at this time, his visa was in question. The second company never prepared a residence visa for him, and their cancellation process dragged just as long. After many calls to the company, his passport was finally returned to him after the 26^th of June with a cancelled visa. After cancellation, you should convert your visa within one month. Our plan was for him to exit the UAE on the 13^th of July when we were travelling, and then on his return, he could enter on a tourist visa. We had a long layover in Italy on the way to Toronto and had hoped to tour Rome, but thanks to this particular company and their passport delay, the Italian embassy did not have enough processing time to issue him a Schengen visa to allow him to exit the airport. I remember being heartbroken at the time as this Roman tour was supposed to be his birthday present, but it ended up being the least of our troubles.

Mohamed’s brother came without issue. Mohamed prepared a tourist visa for him and he came on the 10^th of July. He had planned to return to Egypt shortly after Mohamed returned to the UAE. We had to wait until we were out of the UAE to prepare a tourist visa for Mohamed (it doesn’t make sense nor is it allowed to process a tourist visa for someone who is in the country, right?)…hmmm….

When Mohamed and I got to the airport on the early morning of the 13^th of July, we registered for the new E-gate system. This was just introduced in the spring and there are obvious bugs to still get out. Both of us had an eye-scan and it’s meant to make travelling out of the UAE easier. Both of us had an exit stamp.

We contacted a travel agency while in Canada to apply for a tourist visa for Mohamed to re-enter on July 28^th (date of his purchased return ticket). I don’t understand why this agency took over a week of our time, but when we finally got an answer out of them, it turns out his application was rejected because according to their system, Mohamed was still in the UAE. My theory is that there was an issue with this new E-gate system I mentioned earlier. We sent them proof that he was in Canada, but it was too late. They told us that there were no security issues, but his visa was unable to be processed. We decided to use another agency. We moved his return ticket to the UAE 5 days later, and unfortunately, his tourist visa was rejected again, this time for “security reasons”. Could someone with ISIS have a similar name? Could it because his name was already in the system from the last application? No one could give us an answer.

Time for Mohamed’s brother in the UAE was running out as a tourist visa is typically only good for 30 days or face stiff penalties. Mohamed couldn’t return to the UAE. The only one left to travel to take care of Malik was me. This meant cutting time with my own family by more than 2 weeks. I was heartbroken. We changed Mohamed’s ticket again, this time for Egypt as the final destination, and we changed the date of mine so that I could be here before my brother-in-law had to leave. As shattered as I was having to come back so early, it would still be one of the least of my worries!

Once I was back in the UAE, I worked with my company to prepare a visa application for Mohamed myself. This would not be a tourist visa, but a residence visa to be sponsored under myself. This option was open to us before we left, but didn’t take it as it was during Ramadan (government working hours are cut in half) and we didn’t think that it would be ready in time for us to travel to Canada. A tourist visa also made sense at the time, as all of the paperwork from my company would just have to be un-done once Mohamed got another job as it is illegal for a husband to hold a job while under the sponsorship of his wife.

In my mission to sponsor Mohamed, I hit a few road blocks in the beginning. Immigration needed an updated housing contract. I had to track down the property management, and a few trips to my company to sort it out. Immigration also needed a stamp from the Egyptian Embassy on our marriage certificate. Before the embassy would stamp it, I had to get a stamp from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. It seemed like a never ending process. Finally, just after a week of being back, Immigration accepted my application and told me to come and pick up Mohamed’s visa in 2 hours. I was ecstatic. I picked up Malik from his summer camp and brought him with me to immigration to pick up the visa. Luckily, I didn’t tell Malik why we were there. I went to the visa issuance area and absolutely wilted at the words from the lady behind the desk, “Sorry madame, rejected.” I didn’t understand. Knowing this was for my husband she apologized and said it was for security reasons. As it was later in the afternoon now, I was told to come back and speak to the security department in the morning.

The next morning, the security office told me the same thing. Unknown “security reasons”. I was told there was no one that I could speak to for me to appeal the decision. I had to wait. They suggested I tried again in 1-2 months. This is obviously unacceptable. I learned that all surrounding Arabic countries not part of the GCC (Egypt, Sudan, Syria, etc.) were blocked from re-entry from time to time (had Mohamed been in the country on a tourist visa and we were changing his visa to residence, that would have been a different story). To help ensure that it was nothing personal, I took copies of his personal information and had a police clearance done from one of the main police stations in Abu Dhabi. It came back completely cleared. But to immigration, it didn’t make a difference.

I am a western female in an Arabic country. I have very limited conversational Arabic. So…it was time to rely on connections and Facebook leads. Surely someone must know someone who knows someone in some position of authority to help lift the ban on Mohamed’s passport, right? I had the joy of going back to Immigration with so-called connections and still getting rejected, and eventually we found someone who is acting as a PRO (public relations officer) who is checking on the status of his visa on a daily basis. We were told on Sunday of this week that it could be printed the next day. Today is Thursday. On my way home from school, Malik and I went to immigration ourselves to check on the status. There is now no mention of security issues, and they told me that it’s almost done, but still under final processing, so I should come back this Sunday coming up (after the weekend). Tomorrow marks the end of the FOURTH week of being apart (since I left Mohamed at Pearson airport in Toronto). I never thought we would ever be a part like this, how could it have been predicted, especially after successfully preparing a similar visa for his brother within the same month?

There are obvious negatives to the situation. Going to sleep without my husband and knowing he won’t be there when I get home are the worst. Malik misses his dad like crazy. All of us feel displaced as things are not back to our version of normal. It’s easy to blame the government, blame their policies, etc. But we have to remember that it was this very country that brought us together in the first place. There are positives too. My colleagues have been amazing, offering support to me, and welcoming Malik around the school as he attends with me until either Mohamed gets back or his school timings stabilize. Close friends have also been there, going with us to the mall, or just getting out in general for fun conversation. The staff at Malik’s school have been great in registering him and organizing my payment of the initial installment of the year’s school fees. My favourite silver lining to the situation is my relationship with Malik. I used to dread my alone time with him. Not that he was ever a bother, I was worried doing so was me taking on too much, and in doing so might hinder my relationship with Mohamed as I have in past relationships (taking on too much and resenting my partner). But Malik and I didn’t have a choice. Inside these walls, we’re all we’ve got and we’ve stuck it out so far together. In the end, this can only strengthen the family bond.

As of the time of this blog was written, Mohamed is still in Egypt. There is always hope. Every day offers a piece of news. There is still the unknown, but however you look at it, we’re one more day closer to being together <3.